I saw my girl-friend's therapist.  Sheese, what a flake. She is so vauge I left feeling worse than when I arrived. So, I waited and saw my own therapist. I felt so much better. She basically told me what I already knew.  It isn't going to be easy or painless, I have to read the book and do the writing excerises.  Maybe, that's what I want and need in my therapist..to be told what I already know and throw in a few logical explanations that I don't know. 

I haven't cracked the book open though. As I mentioned on the Survivors Forum, it feels like a black whirlpool waiting to pull me under

I am ready. I had some huge realizations this week. I was so angry at my girlfriend for going to a support group for 'supporters of sexual abuse survivors' I felt betrayed...like she didn't think I was handling my past well enough that she needed support. The rage I felt was unreal....then it just hit me...I'm not mad at her, this isn't her fault...I'm really angry at "them" and at myself for NOT handling it well...it all became amazingly focused to me...I realized that I don't want to get angry at a woman I love more than anything..just because she is a normal healthy woman...I need to be pointing my anger at the perpetrators and what they did to fuck me up so much about sex.

I suddenly realized that all the anger I had toward my ex-husband was mostly unfounded..that my hatred for men is absurd...and that sex ISN'T bad, I'm just fucked up about it....it's like a lot of the 'freak' in me fell off.

I feel like a big layer has been stripped away from that enormous black scab.

My amazing girlfriend. my amazing and wonderful girl friend. after I discovered that she had joined a support group I immediatly went into defense mode and tried like hell to break up with her. I kept saying things like "well, if I'm sucha problem for you, then you deserve better..you deserve to have sex whenever you want." and " I just think I need to HEAL on my own. I don't think you should be here when I HEAL." knowing all the while that I had no intention of walking down that particular road thank you very much...but, fuck you for bringing it up... ALL the while she just kept saying "I''m not going anywhere. "I'm not leaving you." "I'm going to be here while you heal." "You need me." and "I love you."

At what point I finally GOT IT..I'm not sure, but I did and I was so grateful that she really means it when she tells me "I'm not going anywhere."

Called my old therapist...have an appointment for may 28 or some such date. But, my girlfriend has another therapist..more touchy feely..that she wants me to see Monday....God, don't let monday come....The very thought of talking about "that" fills me with such dread...ugh

i am afraid..or maybe I'm just confused

When I think about all that happened..and how many times...I mean what rotten luck, eh? I mean did these jerks just know I wasn't a protected child...did I have a fricken neon sign that said....pick her, she's got no one to protect her??

I dunno. They can be so graphic, my memories, that is. So bad and ugly and yuck. I hate it when they pop in my head. But, for the most part they stay away now. They used to be so much more vivid, back when I was married to a man and sex was all he wanted. I hated that they could just pop into my head and there was nothing I could do to stop them, then making them go away took forever; they would just play over and over. Now, now that I'm with a woman..it's not so bad most of the time. But, I have realized that I am the only living soul on earth whose number one priority is NOT sex. It seems everyone in the world is thinking of nothing else. So, I told my girlfriend that I didn't want to have sex for a while, at least until I figure out if I really need to do some deep searching regarding the past abuse. She is so sad about not having sex. I mean she knows a little bit about my past, but I don't go into detail about it. I don't have too. The details are none of her business. She may be upset because she did'nt have sex in her last relationship either and for a while our sex life was pretty good so I'm sure she wonders if she got into the same things as last time. I do feel for her, but, at the same time, I feel guilty and pressured. Is it just me or to victims of abuse hate that...pressure. I hate it with all of my heart. As I get older it really makes me angry..like "how dare you pressure me into sex. I don't owe you sex and I'm not responsible for your sexual happiness. Get a vibrator."

Maybe I'm just blowing this out of proportion. Maybe I just need an issue. Maybe I'm just a whiner....all for now.

I feel hurt. Hurt and angry. In my marriage there were many times I felt I was giving and giving and giving, but it was not enough. The only thing he wanted was sex. Sex, sex, sex. Now, in my newest relationship, her words were I feel rejected because we aren't intimate. Geezus, I hug, hold, kiss, adore, gaze into your eyes, commit myself to you daily, support you, listen to you, hear you, I'm there for you, I understand you, I put you first...but, I'm not spreading ym legs, so, ya, I guess we're not intimate. Ya, gee, I guess i understand that on.

I went a bit crazy after she left this morning..after she'd laid that on me. I try not to cry unless I'm in the shower, then
I let the tears come and the hot water wash them away. But, this morning my mind sort of lost it. I could feel this crazy person inside saying...oh my oh my oh my...you are such a loser be cause YOU can't spread your legs every time someone else wants your legs spread...FUCKYOU and what you need..it's not about what you need for god sake..

Last month I had finally confessed to my girlfriend that i had some bad stuff going on inside and it all had to do with my past and some bad things that had happened. She was understanding until I told her I needed a break from sex so I could get myself straightened out and I didn't know how long that would take. Now I'M the one feeling like a jerk because I'm not intimate enough with her and she feels rejected.


I really need to find a group to go to. One that talks about adult survivors of sexual abuse....I live in a small country town...won't be too easy to find. Damn. Maybe I could start my own. I could be president, vice preseident and treasurer..I collect my own dues...three times over of course..till I creat more members...for myself. Well now, it'd be a start of some kind..don'tcha think???


I also need to get hooked up with some of the other women whose posts I've been reading....If I read enough of THEIR posts...maybe I can skip from A-Z without a lot of work...sort of heal vicariously through them...

lighter

it could be that with every "time" i put down on my list (and save rather than post) i feel a touch lighter. lighter.

still thinking about it all. i listed, and saved, the first time that I can remember. when I'm through, maybe I'll feel better.

how long

how long does this stay with you? it happened so long ago.....so long...but, those memories seem to still be there...and it seems to affect me in other ways. I haven't had the time or desire to deal with it in all these years. I was busy, I was afraid, I didn't think it was real.

I hate sex
I hate men
I isolate myself
I trust NO one

Hmm, maybe it Is still there.

I feel shame over it even though I know it was never my fault.
I feel such anger that I could hurt those men in many horrible, yet satisfying ways.
I hate men as a general rule.
I'm not comfortable with sex. I thought it was sex with men, but my relationship with a women has taken a down slide due to "this" as well.

That's all I was to think about this today. Maybe more later.